Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
