you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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