i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Randomize
