dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Randomize
