Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
