I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
