that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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