I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
