Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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