The maid of honor just puked.
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
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