like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
