good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
