Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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