im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
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