not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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