So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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