my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
