Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
