i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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