Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
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