LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
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I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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