i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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