You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
