thus making me awesome and them whores
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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