There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
