Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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