You smell like a Billy Joel song
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.