i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
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