Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
