dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
