I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
