pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
