If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
