Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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