oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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