I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
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