i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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