So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
