You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
So apparently I’m into choking now
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
