I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
