she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Randomize
