My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
