Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
