Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
