i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
