I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
