Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
