there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
