I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
