I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
