I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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