i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
