I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
