I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
