please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
