Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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