my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Randomize
